This article is not meant to give you helpful tips to a pristine house in thirty minutes. It is an investigative piece into the real meaning of household cleaning tips as seen in women’s magazines and the like. It is meant to reveal the truth behind the lies we readers have been led to believe.

Tip # 1: Work smart. Never vacuum, then dust.

My answer: I’m lucky if the vacuum cleaner bag isn’t bloated like a deceased bovine in a Louisiana swamp. Where is that dust rag, anyway?

Tip # 2: Take baby steps to cleaning your home. Never take on too much at a time.

My answer: Does mopping the floors every third month qualify as “baby steps”?

Tip # 3: Make a housecleaning calendar and plan several tasks for each day.

My answer: This works fine if you don’t have children or pets. Kids and animals don’t know Wednesday is window washing day, and you’d better believe they would find the need to press their noses to the pane if they did.

Tip # 4: Multi-task. Wash your dishes while talking on the phone.

My answer: Multi-tasking is my middle name, but I usually don’t talk on the phone in the middle of the night. That is, however, when I do my dishes.

Tip # 5: Create a chore chart. Engage your children in household responsibilities.

My answer: “Getyourshoeson” is one word in my house. My children have a hard time with more than four syllable words: “SophiahowmanytimeshaveItoldyoutocleanupyourroomandputawayyourtoys? It’sonthechorechart!”

Tip # 6: Set a timer and pare down your cleaning activities to one story of your home at a time. Don’t overdo it or you will get discouraged.

My answer: I don’t own a timer. I’m discouraged. Where’s the phone number of that cleaning lady?

There you have it. I am a defeated housewife. I wonder if I bought a timer whether my house would be any cleaner?

Christine Louise Hohlbaum, American author of Diary of a Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff, has been published in hundreds of publications. When she isn’t writing, leading toddler playgroups or wiping up messes, she prefers to frolic in the Bavarian countryside near Munich where she lives with her husband and two children. Visit her Web site: http://www.DiaryofaMother.com.